Weekly Pasadena News Reports: Local Editor Resigns, Opens Toothpick Farm in Congo

From the Weekly Pasadena News:

Local Editor Resigns to Protest Tree Cutting
Wilson Retires to Eritrea to Take Up Toothpick farming

Forsaking a career as a purported journalist, local editor Larry Wilson has reportedly left the staff of the Pasadena Star-News. Following an unsuccessful crusade to save Colorado Boulevard's carrot and ficus trees, Wilson has sold his Pasadena mansion, packed up his wife and kids and left for Eritrea where he has purchased a toothpick farm.

"We will miss the talent, insight, perspective and effete erudition of Larry Wilson," said Star-News Executive Publisher Liam Rugg. "It's rare you can find a writer who can say so little with so many words. He will be missed."

The Wilson family, Larry, his wife Phoebe and three children Manny, Moe and Jack have already embarked for Africa. Neighbors reported the family fled Pasadena in the middle of the night. "Slinking away is a strong way to put it," said neighbor Ivan Yenkenit. "I'd say it was more like scampering away, myself."

"Larry's contribution to Pasadena is immeasurable," said Crystal Balvin, Pasadena's foremost bitching biddy. "He's been the voice of the wealthy, the inbred, the amazingly pale and the old for more than a decade. Who's going to speak for rich white people now?"

Wilson most recently tried to save several ficus trees along Colorado Boulevard. He's also well known for sucking up to Mayor Bill Bogaard and worshipping the ground beneath Pasadena Pops conductor Rachel Worby's feet.

"The information that we have is that Larry Wilson has left Pasadena and intends to take up toothpick farming in the Congo," said Star-News reporter Ivy Blindendum. "Apparently he chose to move his family to a place where trees are respected and revered. If he'd taken on Wolfe Burgers he'd probably be moving to India."

Wilson offered no comment upon leaving Pasadena. Reports that the family mooned the Rose Bowl, City Hall and Vroman's Bookstore as they were leaving town have not been confirmed."



Satire Wayne (and Larry)

D.